The Day I Finally Saw My Shadow
I distinctly remember discovering my shadow. It happened when I was walking my dog on a quintessential Hawaii day. I caught a glimpse of the dark image of her holding his leash on a beautiful Hawaii day. Such a simple yet pivotal moment.
It was a substantial soul lesson to finally see her, learn about her, integrate her into my story and let her shine instead of keeping her in the shadows. My heart was colder and more armored than I was willing to admit. Jaded. Living life in my masculine energy, the only energy I knew at the time. She was repressed, mostly because I didn’t know anything about her. That part of me, minimally mirrored, nurtured or explored in my younger years. It was time to let her talk and finally listen to her.
Motto at 40: Be a vehicle of joy but don’t leave the sad parts out of your story.
The ‘shadow self’ is a term I came across in my “dark night of the soul” journey a few years ago. It continues to be a struggle to properly define. Within the field of psychology (i.e. Carl Jung) and charted paths to enlightenment, I see contradicting origins of the concept and its implications. According to some experts, “our subconscious and unconscious (or shadow self) drive a good portion of our behavior. They contain some of the deep-seated belief systems and thoughts that we harbor beneath our conscious awareness, usually rooted in and stemming from childhood.”
From my lived experience, it meant the parts of my deep self that I was leaving out of my story because she was weird in a whole different way. Although I ignored her, she was always tagging along, awkwardly hiding in plain sight. Like a younger sister that I never wanted to invite to the cool parties, vacations to the lake or my workplace. And I definitely didn’t introduce her to my boyfriends, as their emotional needs would always trump hers (insert co-dependency here). No wonder I was perpetually cutting my feet on eggshells, watering down my emotions and blaming it on them.
I stifled her brave voice. She prefers to be alone, read, write, deep conversations, and the unbridled spectrum of emotions. She craves the simple joys of life without fantasizing about grand adventures or taking time and life for granted.
Booorrrringgg.
She’s desperately searching for her tribe and prefers others who aren’t afraid to be weird too. She was usually left behind when I went on my extravagant adventures because I would resent her if she ruined the experience. At the same time, I was sad she wasn’t outspoken because she was able to admit that I was anxious or scared. She would also eye roll every time I inappropriately pulled a silver lining out of my pocket when other’s shared their pain.
She doesn’t have FOMO like I do. She fears that we will miss the simple moments, the people, the hard conversations, the connection to all the deeper desires, the sitting in the dark with the people that I love to light up.
She just wants to be seen, heard and understood; My younger self wanting to feel safe and unconditionally loved…by me.
Start taking her with you everywhere and let her have her own experience. You are on the same team, not competitors. Now I understand why I resented many of my female teammates when they outperformed me.
Trust her.
Her wisdom is priceless. She is a shape-shifting raven, unafraid of the unknown and sees the light and the dark, while flying overhead.
I can be a vehicle of joy and sit in pain with others and myself.
Imagine Dorothy, frolicking down the yellow brick road, unable to emotionally support her new friends, denying all of her fear, sadness and angst while desperately finding her way back home.
Now THAT would be a very boring story.
She will always be the guide for my purpose and my work.
She continues to remind me that being in the dark is a not bad or scary thing. It is a resting place and a lot of wonderful moments happen in the dark.
